Traditional ADHD coaching has tended to focus on strategy, behaviour and outcomes, often influenced by Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. Such methods have their place, and they can be helpful, but they’re not the whole story.
ADHD isn’t all about inattention; it’s about the nervous system. It’s about emotional dysregulation, something that clinical and workplace responses to ADHDers have often failed to fully acknowledge.
ADHDers often experience intense emotional feelings, high empathy, and deep sensitivity. This is primarily due to neurobiological differences in how the brain processes stimuli, regulates emotion, and manages neurotransmitters. These differences, together with internal filters that fluctuate in efficacy, lead to people with ADHD experiencing dysregulation in both arousal and emotion.
Research suggests that many ADHD brains experience a more intense and less filtered stream of stimuli. Buzzing lights or background conversations are experienced at full volume. This tends to lead to overstimulation and, if not adequately supported, burnout.
Studies also show that just as we ADHDers struggle to filter out sensory input, we also lack filters for the emotions of others. Many ADHDers report feeling other people’s emotions very intensely. Some researchers and clinicians have described ADHDers as ‘empathy sponges’. We literally soak up emotional energy.
I’ve often said that I am an ‘all in, or all out’ person, and this has a scientific foundation. The ADHD brain experiences emotion at 100% volume. Emotion can often feel either on or off, with very little middle ground. Our experience is frequently full rage, utter despair, or intense joy.
If you have ADHD, you may recognise the sense of being constantly on high alert. Your nervous system is scanning for danger, seeking out potential threats. This can cause us to live in a state of continual reaction as our amygdala, our brain's fear-detection centre, is oversensitive and frequently interprets social and environmental cues as risk.
We can easily end up feeling as if we are in a continual game of tug-of-war. Our amygdala is overreactive, and our prefrontal cortex, which acts as the nervous system's brakes, is often less responsive, leading to what is known as emotional flooding. This leads to emotions overwhelming logical thinking.
And there’s more.
We know that the ADHD brain has lower levels of dopamine and norepinephrine. These neurochemicals play a key role in regulating mood and emotional responses.
Because of low dopamine levels, the brain constantly seeks novelty and stimulation. Our nervous system is interest-based rather than urgency-based. Something has to be intensely interesting or emotionally charged for us to engage. If it isn’t interesting, our brain feels flat or bored. If we are engaged, we often hyperfocus and can do so for considerable periods.
It’s important to know that the dopamine crash is real. When dopamine drops, we can feel totally empty and deeply sad.
Compounding all this is Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD). People with ADHD experience actual or perceived rejection, criticism, or failure as extreme pain. We don’t just feel sad, we feel an intense, often overwhelming feeling of shame or panic.
It is clear that we ADHDers live life in high-definition. Strategies can undoubtedly help, but if we do not have the skills to care for and calm ourselves, any outcome from these strategies will be short-lived. So whilst strategy can help, emotional safety is paramount. When our nervous system knows it’s safe, we can turn this overwhelm into passion and deep empathy.
This psychological safety can be described as the freedom to be imperfect, make mistakes, or show vulnerability without fear of judgment. Psychological safety makes it essential for employers, partners, and families to create psychologically safe environments. Environments where the ADHDer feels safe to be unapologetically themselves.
There are many ways we can begin to self-regulate. Much of this involves intentionally building regulation into everyday life.
Studies show that creating structure and routine, ‘when and then’ planning (‘when I feel overwhelmed, I will take a five-minute break’), mindfulness and breathing, the STOP practice (Stop, Take a Step Back, Observe, Proceed Mindfully), taking controlled breaks, RAIN (Recognise, Accept, Investigate, Non-Identification), and practising the pause to ask ‘is this true?’ when a negative thought arises can support self-regulation.
When we practise in this way, we are nurturing and cultivating our own Inner Coach.
Coaching can support the cultivation of these practices so they become not just something we do, but a way of life.
