For years, I thought my job was to become someone different, the person I thought my family, the church, school, my peers, and society at large wanted me to be. I was struggling to fully connect with any sense of identity, and devoid of that internal compass, I sought external validation as the tool I could use to shape myself. This turned me into the archetypal people pleaser and resulted in me becoming even more detached from myself.
A few weeks ago, I had the pleasure of joining Kate from the MOE Foundation on their Podventures podcast, and I began to talk about this publicly for the first time. It soon became one of those conversations that went beyond ADHD.
We talked about growing up in a strict evangelical Christian environment, realising I was gay, receiving an ADHD diagnosis later in life, and spending many years believing there was something fundamentally wrong with me.
For a long time, I thought my job was to become someone different.
I've come to believe that real change rarely comes from pretending, striving, or fighting ourselves.
It begins when we pause.
When we become aware of what's happening within us.
When we stop trying to escape our experience and gently stay with it, even when it's uncomfortable.
I've discovered that the more present I become, the more freedom I find.
For me, that's where growth begins. Not in becoming someone else, but in learning to stand steady amidst praise and blame, gain and loss, joy and sorrow, fame and disrepute. From that place, we can respond to life with greater freedom, wisdom, and compassion.
That belief sits at the heart of my coaching.
It took me a long time to be able to stop, pause, and listen to myself. Before that point, I had raced my way through life, always thinking of what I needed to be doing next, not aware of the present moment at all. Shopping one night in my local supermarket, the checkout assistant said: “Guess what we call you?” I raised an eyebrow and asked her to enlighten me. “We call you the running man. You don’t walk around the store, you race around it.” I laughed, of course, but I knew she was right. Her words were like a seed planted deep in my consciousness that slowly germinated and grew, helping me develop self-awareness.
I can still fall into the trap of running. It’s so easy for me. My head fills with what others expect of and from me, and I am suddenly lost in a flurry of activity but achieving very little. Thankfully, through practice, I become aware of this very early on, and now I’m able to stop, notice what’s happening and where in my body I am feeling it, bring that part of me the care it needs, and then proceed with awareness.
Noticing something has gone wrong isn’t failure; it’s mindfulness.
Whether someone comes to me because of ADHD, leadership challenges, burnout, life transitions, or simply feeling stuck, I don't see someone who needs fixing. I see someone whose experiences have shaped the way they see themselves and the world.
Coaching isn't about giving people the answers. It's about creating enough space, curiosity and compassion for people to discover their own.
If this conversation encourages even one person to pause, to become a little more curious about themselves, or to realise they are not broken, then it has been worth having.
I'm incredibly grateful to Kate and the MOE Foundation for facilitating such a thoughtful conversation, and for allowing me to speak honestly about parts of my own journey that have shaped both my life and my work.
I'd love to know what has helped you understand yourself a little better over the years. Feel free to drop me a line.
